I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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