you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
