3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
