I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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