I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I have aggressive nipples.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
