i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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