Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
