I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
