I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
