i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
this hospital has no fireball
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
