i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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