3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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