u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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