some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
