The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
