I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
