New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
