i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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