I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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