I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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