I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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