Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
