Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Shame - the story of my life.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
