Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
