if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
