I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
