After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
