I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
i think my cat just said my name.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
