I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
