I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
