where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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