Plan B is the new Plan A
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
