people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Randomize
