I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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