my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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