At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
