I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
