i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
