Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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