when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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