im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
