i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
