I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
