Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
