I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
