dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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