Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
