Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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