You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
