so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize