I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
